Thursday, December 17, 2009

stop trying and start loving

let's start from the beginning: the love

(Borja's Vilaseca article from El Pais Semanal, the 18th January 2009)

All human beings want to be loved. But how many really love? True love acts as an alchemist: turns ambition into altruism and transforms suffering into happiness.

January is the month of purposes: learn a new language, quit smoking, lose weight ... Nevertheless, a new order is emerging in the heart of most human beings. It is a promise far less concrete and more intangible. Unlike others, it is rarely mentioned, it is a peaceful and silent practice. It is the largest commitment we make to ourselves, and to honor it you don't require advice or studies. It is above any other goal. Right now, at least one person has just proposed himself to learn to love.

LOVE IS THE WAY
"When the wise points to the moon, the fool looks at the finger" (Chinese proverb)

That we have come to this world to learn to love is a timeless truth. It was discovered before the start of the history of philosophy. Zoroaster (630-550 BC), Mahavira (599-527 BC), Lao Tzu (570-490 BC), Buddha (560-480 BC), Confucius (551-479 BC) Socrates (470-399 BC), Jesus Christ (1-33) ... All the great sages of humanity, whose teachings gave rise to religious institutions that we know today, essentially said the same thing: "Loving others is the path to human beings to happiness".

Although many others have continued to preach by example of the transformative power of love over the years, decades and centuries, the vast majority of human beings still do not know to love. This kind of learning that does not enter into our familiar, social, cultural, religious, political or economical conditioning process.

As students, we are told to memorize the unimaginable. Then we get ready to be productive professionals. But they forget the basics. That's how we enter the world without knowing to manage our emotional life. And while success is not the basis of happiness, happiness really is at the foundation of any success. Quite the opposite, since we are children, we are lead to believe that the world is full of wicked people. That we should not trust strangers. The important thing is to deal with oneself and get along. Thus, fear, frustration and resentment are passed from generation to generation, creating a culture based on distrust, resignation and dissatisfaction.

BEYOND THE CONDITIONING
"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society" (Jiddu Krishnamurti)

The perversion of human nature has come to the point that throughout this process of conditioning also we hear that goodness is synonymous of stupidity, because one always ends regreating his good actions. And that loving yourself is a selfish behavior, characteristic of a narcissist. Hence the talk about love of neighbor sound ridiculous.

True or not, all these beliefs shape our perception of the world and influence the way we interact with others and with ourselves. This is not to apportion blame, but responsibility for our process of change and growth. What is at stake is our freedom to decide who we can be. And here there are no teachers, only mirrors where we can see ourselves reflected. Ultimately, stop existing as caterpillars and start living as butterflies is a transformation that only depends on each one.

The challenge is to question our beliefs, even though it goes to the core of our identity. Hence, this learning arises as a personal initiative, a long-term commitment in which the conquest of true love becomes the way and the goal. And it is not a fad. Self-knowledge and personal development processes are increasingly accepted by society. With so much offer and being a matter so intimate and delicate, their usefulness depends on how well we know to choose.

THE ENEMY OF LOVE "Love is the absence of selfishness" (Erich Fromm)

According to the laws of evolution, everything starts with knowledge (accurate information). Then comes the realization (personal experience). Only then we can accept (fail to react negatively to what happens) in order to finally love (give the best of us at any time). Along the way we defeat our greatest enemy-ourselves (our emotional survival mechanism, known as ego). To do this we have to be sincere (not delude), humble (recognizing our mistakes), bold (dare to correct them) and persevering (engagement in our learning process).

The fear (to be hurt), the attachment (to lose what we have) and the anger (of not getting what we want) are waiting just around the corner. Further afield lies our ignorance (ignorance of our true nature), the ultimate cause of our selfishness (unnatural tendency to corrupt the attitude of human beings), which is precisely what prevents us from loving, that is our essence.

The same way, we don't need to do anything to see, we don't need anything to love. Both sight and love are seen as natural and inherent attributes of the human condition. Our conscious effort should focus on eliminating all obstructions that cloud and distort our thinking, feeling and being, including stress, negativity, victimhood, hatred, suspicion, vanity, envy, arrogance, concern , intolerance, cowardice, greed, sloth, pride, impatience, guilt, sadness ...

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TRYING TO LOVE AND LOVE
"Love is the only thing that grows when shared" (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)


All the vices of the mind are the result of an egocentric way of interpreting reality, an impulsive and unconscious attitude that prevents us from accepting what happens as it comes and the others as they are. This is the real cause of all our suffering, it also locks us into a dangerous trap. To be able to love, first we need to hold love in our hearts.

In this case, the problem is itself the solution. And the first thing to know is what LOVE is. Not the love we are used to, but the true LOVE. It is one thing to love, and quite another to truly LOVE. Trying to love is selfish, it's something we want, a means to an end. LOVE, by contrast, is an altruistic act, it is about giving, being an end in itself. We love when we feel a shortage. We LOVE when we experience fullness. While love is an unconscious attitude, related to what is beyond our reach, LOVE arises from a conscious effort, which makes us focus on what truly depends on us.

When you LOVE, you don't blame or judge, or criticize, or regret. The lovers try to leave a residue of joy, peace and good humor in every interaction with others, however brief it may be. LOVE is also to accept and support the most conflictive, because they are precisely those most needed. Really LOVE is synonymous with great wisdom, since it involves understanding that there is no evil, only ignorance and unconsciousness. The paradox is that LOVE primarily benefits those who love, not the beloved. Thus, LOVE heals and revitalizes the mind and heart of someone who generates it. And that's the reason why we receive so much when we give it.

the beginning and the reason why


Dies slowly, he who becomes the slave of habit,

who follows the same routes every day,
who never changes pace,
who does not risk and change the color of his clothes
and who does not speak to whom he doesn't know

Dies slowly he who makes television his guru

Dies slowly he or she who shuns passion,
who prefers black on white,
dotting ones "i’s" rather than a bundle of emotions,
the kind that make your eyes glimmer,
that turn a yawn into a smile,
that make the heart pound in the face of mistakes and feelings


Dies slowly he or she who does not turn things topsy-turvy,
who is unhappy at work,
who does not risk certainty for uncertainty to thus follow a dream,
those who do not forego sound advice at least once in their lives

Dies slowly he who does not travel,
who does not read,
who does not listen to music,
who does not find grace in himself,

Dies slowly he who slowly destroys his own self-esteem,
who does not allow himself to be helped

Dies slowly, he
who spends days on end complaining about his own bad luck,
about the rain that never stops,



Dies slowly he who abandon a project before starting it,
who fail to ask questions on subjects he doesn't know,
he who don't reply when they are asked something they do know

Let's try and avoid death in small doses,
reminding oneself that being alive requires an effort far greater
than the simple fact of breathing.


Only a burning patience will lead
to the attainment of a splendid happiness

If you wanna be warmed, let the sun warm you

If you are goint to cheat, cheat your stomach

If you are going to cry, cry from happiness

If you are going to lie, lie about your age

If you are going to steal, steal a kiss

If you are going to lose something, lose the fear

If there is hunger, be it hunger for love

If it is to be happy, make it all the time

Pablo Neruda